Employee Orientation "This job will leave you with no time for exercise." "You will work longhours and consume trans fats until you are shaped like this." "On a positive note, our payroll deduction service allows you to save money for dirt to turn your cubicle into a burial site."
"I'll be managing the Elbonian branch office but I'll be based in my own country." "I'll never see you in person but I want you all to work longhours and wear Dockers." "What is he doing?" "Sometimes we use mud to muffle laughter."
"Question: If our new product takes you sixty minutes into the future in one hour..." "Isn't that the same as doing nothing at all?" "It also makes you lose weight if you stay in it long enough...while not eating."
…"You're like a buffer. As long as you're still here, my job is safe." "And there's nothing you can do to change the situation." "Wally, do you mind giving my family a ride to church again this week?" "No problem." "It's nice that you joined my church even though you live an hour away." "And I wouldn't say…
…execute people." Catbert responds, "Make it look like an accident." The Boss announces at a meeting, "From now on, my staff meetings will be two hourslong." Alice and Wally sob.
Headline: Catbert: Evil H.R. Catbert addresses a meeting, "From now on, the company will allow flex time." Catbert continues, "You can work any hours you like, as long as you're here from eight to five." Dilbert turns and says, "That's called unpaid overtime." Catbert replies, "And you need to be flexible…
